Happily Divorced.

Inspired by an American sitcom of the same name. 

 

I should’ve known our union was against nature’s scheme

The day you baked me brownies lathered in whipped cream

Why shouldn’t men love to cook? The feminist in me cried

And turned her head the other way, the day your hair you dyed

A ghastly shade called ‘diva red’, the ugliest I’ve seen

“But it’s so pretty! -I mean bold”, in soprano you squeaked

Which reminded me of Margarine, my ageing spinster aunt

Who shot her beau with the gun with which he used to hunt

I should’ve known when my friends exchanged looks wide-eyed

The day I introduced you all, the day you wore that tie

With Marlon Brando’s brooding face printed all over it

The way you kept exclaiming, “Damn, that guy was ripped!”

You couldn’t pass a mirror without pausing to look

A quarter of an hour to style your hair it took

When people raised their eyebrows, “He’s metrosexual!” I said

“Oh well”, they cried, unconvinced, “As long as he’s good in bed.”

I should’ve known something was off the day we hit the sack

I’d often catch you pouting at the glass ceiling we had

But you were a good partner, I’ll give you that my dear

Even though you wrinkle your nose at the smell of beer

I remember when I found on you a smudge of red lipstick

You swore it was just a bruise from a flying hockey stick

But nothing beats my discovery of your secret underwear

With little hearts drawn on them – not just one, but a pair!

And this is why, my darling, I’m throwing the towel in

But that shouldn’t undermine how happy with you I’ve been

For while you aren’t exactly what they call an ideal husband

You’ve stuck by me through thick and thin and been a stellar friend

I’ll wait for you to find your way out of that famous closet

And prepare to be your wingman, so we can double date!

Imagine what fun we’ll have, all the parties we can host

To tell our friends and family that we’re happily divorced.

An Expert's Guide To Wasting A Holiday.

(To whomsoever it may concern: Ideas expressed in the post have been exaggerated for various reasons. Please don't send me to therapy.)

1. Tune in to a television show on a culinary competition conducted in another continent. Spend hours watching contestants whip up dishes you're never going to eat with ingredients you've never seen before. Focus your undivided attention on following their unfamiliar accent only to realize that they keep lapsing into a language you don't know. Salivate at the piece of art served on a plate. Feel the familiar stirring of hunger in the pit of your stomach. Remember that your refrigerator is empty and that you have the cooking skills of a handicapped panda anyway. Continue watching the show till the end of the day or till you starve, whichever comes first.

2. Go online and discover that a teen celebrity your age is engaged to be married. Remind yourself that the rich and famous live in an alternative reality so their lifestyle isn’t an appropriate parameter for your existence. Sink into a depression regardless and prod at old wounds as you ponder about what possibly went wrong. Didn’t you try hard enough or did you try too hard? Why is another 19 year old on the threshold of marriage when you haven’t even been in a real relationship yet? Are you romantically repulsive? Are you doomed to eternal spinsterhood? Are you the poster girl for the Forever Alone meme you saw on 9gag?

3. Talk to random strangers on the internet. Shyly concede when they compliment your flattering profile picture as you celebrate inwardly with an evil chuckle. Thank your camera flash for obliterating the jagged ends of your eyebrows and the monstrous pimple on your forehead. Secretly hope for a special connection with every individual who can hold a conversation for longer than 5 minutes in grammatically correct English and pretend that this doesn’t reek of desperation. Hide your disappointment when they disconnect without warning. Console yourself that perhaps they have an unstable internet connection, perhaps they forgot the chicken in the oven or maybe they were instant messaging in the middle of a meeting when their boss caught them and now they're sitting on a pavement somewhere with a box of office supplies and nowhere to go.

4. Roll over and play dead. Conveniently forget that you do the exact same thing every night for at least eight hours. Avoid coffee like the plague until you slip into a black hole of dreamless unconsciousness and suddenly, it won't matter anymore that you've accomplished a vat load of nothing all day.

After all, this is exactly what the holidays are for.