Happily Divorced.

Inspired by an American sitcom of the same name. 

 

I should’ve known our union was against nature’s scheme

The day you baked me brownies lathered in whipped cream

Why shouldn’t men love to cook? The feminist in me cried

And turned her head the other way, the day your hair you dyed

A ghastly shade called ‘diva red’, the ugliest I’ve seen

“But it’s so pretty! -I mean bold”, in soprano you squeaked

Which reminded me of Margarine, my ageing spinster aunt

Who shot her beau with the gun with which he used to hunt

I should’ve known when my friends exchanged looks wide-eyed

The day I introduced you all, the day you wore that tie

With Marlon Brando’s brooding face printed all over it

The way you kept exclaiming, “Damn, that guy was ripped!”

You couldn’t pass a mirror without pausing to look

A quarter of an hour to style your hair it took

When people raised their eyebrows, “He’s metrosexual!” I said

“Oh well”, they cried, unconvinced, “As long as he’s good in bed.”

I should’ve known something was off the day we hit the sack

I’d often catch you pouting at the glass ceiling we had

But you were a good partner, I’ll give you that my dear

Even though you wrinkle your nose at the smell of beer

I remember when I found on you a smudge of red lipstick

You swore it was just a bruise from a flying hockey stick

But nothing beats my discovery of your secret underwear

With little hearts drawn on them – not just one, but a pair!

And this is why, my darling, I’m throwing the towel in

But that shouldn’t undermine how happy with you I’ve been

For while you aren’t exactly what they call an ideal husband

You’ve stuck by me through thick and thin and been a stellar friend

I’ll wait for you to find your way out of that famous closet

And prepare to be your wingman, so we can double date!

Imagine what fun we’ll have, all the parties we can host

To tell our friends and family that we’re happily divorced.