Inspired by an American sitcom of the same name.
I
should’ve known our union was against nature’s scheme
The
day you baked me brownies lathered in whipped cream
Why
shouldn’t men love to cook? The feminist in me cried
And
turned her head the other way, the day your hair you dyed
A
ghastly shade called ‘diva red’, the ugliest I’ve seen
“But
it’s so pretty! -I mean bold”, in soprano you squeaked
Which
reminded me of Margarine, my ageing spinster aunt
Who
shot her beau with the gun with which he used to hunt
I
should’ve known when my friends exchanged looks wide-eyed
The
day I introduced you all, the day you wore that tie
With
Marlon Brando’s brooding face printed all over it
The
way you kept exclaiming, “Damn, that guy was ripped!”
You
couldn’t pass a mirror without pausing to look
A
quarter of an hour to style your hair it took
When
people raised their eyebrows, “He’s metrosexual!” I said
“Oh
well”, they cried, unconvinced, “As long as he’s good in bed.”
I
should’ve known something was off the day we hit the sack
I’d
often catch you pouting at the glass ceiling we had
But
you were a good partner, I’ll give you that my dear
Even
though you wrinkle your nose at the smell of beer
I
remember when I found on you a smudge of red lipstick
You
swore it was just a bruise from a flying hockey stick
But
nothing beats my discovery of your secret underwear
With
little hearts drawn on them – not just one, but a pair!
And
this is why, my darling, I’m throwing the towel in
But
that shouldn’t undermine how happy with you I’ve been
For
while you aren’t exactly what they call an ideal husband
You’ve
stuck by me through thick and thin and been a stellar friend
I’ll
wait for you to find your way out of that famous closet
And
prepare to be your wingman, so we can double date!
Imagine
what fun we’ll have, all the parties we can host
To
tell our friends and family that we’re happily divorced.
